Tuesday, March 20, 2007

In the midst of all the trials and problems I faced…

I have convinced myself that I was making a great move in sacrificing things just to hang on to my family. It was an awful start, still being supported with people who love us and still not doing things on our own. A bit confused with what I am facing. Thinking that I have conquered and survived a horrifying experience as a wife.

Now I realized, the situation is still the same and it will never end. I will remain the wife. Someone that my husband usually puts down and never praised.

He still communicates with his concubine and I don’t know if they are still having an affair. I just don’t get it… I have given up everything, sacrificed most of the thing I know he might think and feel that I chose to be his wife. But the question remains if he still loves me. He always says that his feelings for me are not that strong because of what happened in the past. For me… he might be in love with that girl. I hate myself by letting it happen again. Am I that Bad… Am I that horrible… Am I still doing the wrong stuff… Shit it is hard to please him. I don’t know what else I can do just to have my family in the right track. Having no support by my husband is hard… Do you think there is still a chance? Should I remain the underdog? I don’t know. From what I know there are no right answers… I hate this part… understanding that that’s how life goes….

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Improving onesself is hard...

Improving oneself is very hard... specialy if there are obstraction along the way.
People who dont belive you is one thing.

I am a mother of three and has struggled since the birht of my first child. I wasn't able to prove that I am capable of taking care of my children since I gave birth in a young age.

I got pregnant when I was 18 years old. At first my mother suggested that she will adopt mychild so I could still live a single life. Well... since I was so in love with my boyfriend. I pursuade my parent for us to be together even if we don't tie th knotch. We were lining in together for almost two years.. A bumpy relationship I may say... Until I got pregnant with my second child, It's was hard for me coz my mom got mad and told me that It's time for us to decide for the sake of our children. So we got married... Maybe you are thinking by that time we lived happily ever after..... that was a BIG NO NO... He still depended on her mom ans I was making my own money and my parents helped me raising up my two kids. I even studied in the province and my kids were with me.

I am not selfish so still I let my in laws give suggestion if it good then why not. They decided to get my eldest for her to study in the City. Huh... little that I know it was the start of something I should have not done a long time ago. I never had agreed on that deal.

Right now they thought they had all the rights to my daughters. Thinking that they are helping me. Now way, they are not helping coz we are not learning responsibility in any sense. My husband thinks that It was always ok for her mother to get my kids without pernission from me. Well I am really starting to build up hate. I hope this will still be fixed.